homeschool...

This was week four of homeschooling Bobby. The first almost three weeks were going so well. I was excited and Bobby loved being at home and was eager to do school each day. Last Friday, however, he never settled down enough to do anything. I finally gave up and we went to tour a church pre-K close to our house!! That program was full. Monday we visited a home school enrichment tutorial then started back on home school on Tuesday. Again, Bobby was dysregulated and at one point I just went in my closet, shut the door and got on my knees and prayed for Jesus to PLEASE make the fruit of his Spirit flow out from me. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. It didn't take too long for Bobby to find me and immediately flip the light switch off so I got up and when I looked around he was in the closet on his knees! That day he told me probably 15 to 20 times that he hated me. Eventually he did the work he needed to do and by the afternoon was in better control of himself. Wednesday - bible study then Thursday back to homeschool. R.O.U.G.H! His defiance was off the charts. Overcome with the emotional strain of it all I found myself in tears at one point. Lots of thoughts running through my head, such as, “why did I think this was a good idea…I’m going to call the local public school and register him tomorrow…I can’t do this…what am I going to do…where can I put him in school”. I should also say that I thought we had this figured out. We went through the whole admissions process and put him in a one-day-a-week tutorial. Because of the way the school was set up (three teachers rotating through the day) and because of Bobby’s difficulty with transitions, it was not a good fit and we decided to take him out. On Wednesday, in the middle of all this, at bible study I ran into a friend who is also homeschooling and she said they LOVE the tutorial where they have their two kids. I have to admit I was happy for them but sad for us. That afternoon I contacted that school only to find out it is too late, the school was full.

So…yesterday (Thursday) afternoon I get an email from the Pre-K I had visited last Friday and they have an opening for a two day Pre-K which is what I wanted. Oddly enough, I don’t feel as excited as I thought I would. Buddy and I talk it over but it’s a hard decision because on one hand I think, if I’m doing this to help Bobby heal, then a sign that he is healing is all this emotional junk coming out the closer he and I get. Every day I learn more about him and how to understand his pain and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I decide to just pray and think it over and I tell my sister to do the same for me.

Well… today I get an email from the school where my friend has her kids. The board just convened and decided today that they will let two more children in the kindergarten class and that if I want Bobby in, I should fill out the paperwork and get started with the process.   

Wow. So now what? Is God giving me this abundance of choices as a gift to take or is He giving me this so that I can solidify my decision to be with Bobby every day? Right now I am pulled both ways.

Today was a great day with Bobby. He was up at 7:00 (early for him) regulated and calm. He stayed that way most of the day, only pitching small fits a couple of times. We bought a toy, drove through Krystal and went to a park for a picnic. He let a group of seven little boys take many turns playing with the toy he had just bought! I couldn’t believe it. Thank you, Jesus.

I am committed to this kid whole-heartedly, I’m getting in the trenches with him in spite of and because of the pain that is in him and the healing that has to happen through my relationship with him. Because the fact is that the only way a child can heal is through the parent-child relationship. I don’t take my responsibility lightly. I know from experience how fast the years fly by and the pain that is inside will not go away, it must be dealt with, the earlier the better otherwise we WILL see it again.  There are no guarantees, I know, but God has given me a deep and protective love for this scared, hurt little boy and I know what I must do in the present moment.

good website and article

I ran across this today and wanted to share. From the Attachment Disorder Support Group website: click here for the link

Attachment

When reading below, keep in mind the following statement as it is the driving force of all attachment issues:

The fear in the child is so great that the child will not be able to attach.  The child's primary systems are working to survive, thereby making attaching to someone a low priority.  Survival is the priority.  Alleviate the fear and the child will be able to attach.

An attachment-challenged child lives with unconscious fears that become the driving force behind varying degrees of negative and often illogical, irrational behaviors.  Their greatest need is to feel safe.

An attachment disorder is a mental and emotional condition occurring in the first two years of life that causes a child not to attach, to bond, or to trust his primary caretaker.

Children with attachment disorders have trouble trusting others. Trusting means to love--and loving hurts. They have been hurt too deeply. Loving must be done on their terms so that they will not be hurt again. They attempt to control everyone and everything in their world. No one gets into their world, past their barriers, without proving that they are truly trustworthy.

"Unattached children...have an uncanny ability to appear attractive, bright, loving...helpless, hopeless, lost...or promising, creative, and intelligent, as may suit their needs at the time. Therefore, strangers, helpful neighbors, even therapists, often see the parents as the problem and believe the winsome child is 'beautiful'. . ." (Foster Cline, 1979)

Adoptive parents wonder why? "I'm not the one that hurt him. I am trying to give him love."
To understand the "why", we must look at the child's life, especially the first two years.

CAUSES OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER

Any of the following factors, especially occurring to a child during their first two years of life, puts a child at high risk of developing an attachment disorder:

• Maternal drug and/or alcohol use during pregnancy
• Premature birth
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect
• Sudden separation from primary caretaker (i.e. illness or death of mother or chronic illness or hospitalization of child)
• Undiagnosed and/or painful illness (i.e. colic or chronic ear infections)
• Frequent moves or placements
• Inconsistent or inadequate daycare
• Chronic maternal depression
• Teenage mothers with poor parenting skills
• Drug addicted infant

This is not a diagnostic tool. If you think your child has an attachment disorder, contact an attachment therapist for an evaluation.

Taken from a pamphlet--"Parents for Attachment"

Understanding the causes of attachment disorder, helps us to understand why adopted and foster children would have a high propensity towards attachment difficulties. Generally, the adopted/foster child has covered many of those categories in his short life. 

 

Here we are at the beach, Kiawah Island Resort to be exact. This was last week and we had a wonderful time. All six of us together which I realize may likely be one of the last times with the ages of the kids. Fortunately all three "big" ones have jobs but were able to get the week off. We love Kiawah because it is VERY family oriented, has beautiful landscaping, miles and miles of paved bike trails and a beautiful beach (even if it isn't white and soft sand) haha. Buddy and the boys went on a guided fishing trip and caught lots of fish. Spencer and I went to Drayton Hall plantation and in to Charleston one morning.  Bobby did great and loved the beach and the pool.

"I Love You...I Love You, Too...YES!!"

Each night at bedtime Bobby now goes through a new routine. After we have read, prayed and kissed him goodnight, he yells, "Dad (or Mom), I love you, and waits for one of us to yell back, "I love you, Bobby". He usually does this two or three times, then we can hear him say to himself, "YESSS". So sweet. These seemingly little things mean so much to us because they show us glimpses of the sweetness and preciousness of Bobby. He wants to please more and more often. He now routinely turns the TV off without a word of fussing ( a miracle).

These miraculous changes are the result of prayer for help, lots and lots of reading, research, and work with wonderful adoption counselors who have helped us understand that all negative behavior comes from a place of fear and anxiety. That an angry child is really a scared child and that concentrating on building trust is paramount. I've learned that I can't parent Bobby like  I did our other children where I focused on gaining control because to be honest, I was scared of losing control. God is allowing us to see a child blossom before our eyes and it is amazing and humbling.

9 More Minutes That Could Change Your Child's Life (Yours too) Part 2

The man in this video is B. Bryan Post, LCSW, who has written several books for parents of adopted or foster children. The adoption counselor I see recommended one last week and I finished it in two days. I loved it. He and his co-author, Heather Forbes, LCSW, gave me a breath of fresh air and much insight into the reasons behind an adopted child's negative behavior. The name of the book is Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. By finding a way to move beyond a child's negative behavior to the deeper (heart) issue, our children can truly feel loved and KNOWN. Our home can be a place of peace. This is a powerful and important book.

A Call to Connect

Click the link below:
Empowered to Connect Conference will be in Nashville! 

I just received an email with the information about this conference. I attended last year and it was great. I know I sound like a broken record about the book by Karen Purvis, The Connected Child, but it has been such an asset to me in understanding the reasons behind behaviors of Bobby's. Dr. Purvis' organization is putting on this conference and Show Hope is sponsoring it here in Nashville. Please check out the info, it is well worth your time.

Adopting an "older" child (non-infant) carries much stress and rewards are often delayed. Last week I heard about a Christian family in Ohio who adopted a 12 year old girl from China, had her for 6 months and said it wasn't working and placed her in the foster care system. She has been in foster care for 7 months now and an incredible friend of my sister has agreed to add this child to her family which consists of seven adopted girls ages 7 to 15! This family has a very limited income but a huge heart for hurting children.

It is such a tragedy when something like this happens to an adopted child. Thankfully, it is not common but it is devastating to a child and family when it does happen. I think more often, families just struggle silently. As I have been honest about our adjustment struggles, I've realized that this is the norm. And of course! Why should we expect a child who has grown up with multiple caregivers, inconsistent discipline and often abuse to not have struggles? When we agree to adopt we agree to learn our child's history so that we can go beyond surface behaviors. We agree to sacrifice our own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with our child and help them heal even if it takes years, not months.

Resources are available through counselors (ask me if you need a few names), books, social workers, and websites. Most importantly, through each other. Let's agree to share our struggles and to not let shame or feelings of inadequacy intimidate us into hiding our pain. As the church heeds the call to reach out and care for orphans by adoption, so should the church provide support. Dr. Purvis has developed a workbook based on her book for use by individuals, couples or small groups. This would be an excellent resource for churches to use with families who have adopted.

encouragement

Bobby started Pre-K this past September and went two days a week all fall. In January he started going three days and I worried that I was rushing things in terms of making sure he has enough time to attach to me. The transition to three days has been a little rough and he regressed some in the classroom. So, imagine my surprise and pleasure when I opened his notebook after school on Monday and found this note from one of his teachers! When I read it to Bobby, he had the biggest smile on his face - he was very pleased with himself!

Buddy and I are on an eight week or so rotation for Children's Church and this Sunday was our week again. We both commented on how well and different Bobby behaved compared to all the previous times we've stayed with his class. He sat down at a table with the other children and colored his sheet completely before getting up, he played with the other kids and took part in conversations with the kids, he sang in the large group time and listened (mostly) to the story. I know these things seem small to most people but they are HUGE to us. It is soo encouraging to see this progress and we are so proud of him.

being shaped

Most of the time I live life forgetting that Jesus is risen and alive and with me right now. That he is shaping me into his likeness through the circumstances and people he brings into my life. To be honest, often I am fearful of the future, I worry about the kids, about money, about my parents, about starting over with a child who has attachment disorder. I often talk to God about these things.

Buddy is currently reading and loving a book called, Living the Resurrection, by Eugene Peterson (author of The Message bible). In an effort to be a good wife (haha) I ask Buddy to share some of it with me one evening.  God spoke to me through this book. Peterson is writing about spiritual formation and looks at the resurrection stories in the four gospels. He notes how surprise, fear, awe and wonder are present in all four accounts. He writes that there are five elements of surprise and says,

The men and women who are going to be most valuable to us in spiritual formation-by-resurrection are most likely going to be people at the edge of respectability: the poor, minorities, the suffering, the rejected, poets, and children. 

Another observation is that the resurrection was a quiet business that took place in a quiet place without publicity or spectators.And then last, his fifth observation is fear.

Fear is the most frequently mentioned resurrection response.  We're afraid when we're suddenly caught off our guard and don't know what to do.  We're afraid when our presuppositions and assumptions no longer account for what we're up against, and we don't know what will happen to us.  We're afraid when reality, without warning, is shown to be either more or other than we thought it was.  But that 'more and other' is God. 

He writes, "Fear-of-the-Lord is fear with the scary element deleted. So it is often accompanied with the reassurance: "Fear not." But the "fear not" does not result in the absence of fear but rather the transformation into fear-of-the-Lord. We still don't know what's going on. We're still not in control. We're still in deep, deep mystery."

Wow! This was just what I needed, a reminder to shift my perspective to the truth. That God is the potter and I am the clay and that He is forming me and shaping through the people he brings into my life (however small!) and that I can trust Him. It's ok to have fear. Last week I picked this scripture up from the Y, "Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it." Ezra 10:4. A wise person this week told me that the reason we need courage is because we have fear.

playground shoe lesson

A couple of days ago Bobby and I went a playground close to our house. He LOVES playing "hide and see ya" so we played several games of that. This playground is behind an elementary school and has a huge hill that Bobby loves to roll down. He and Buddy usually take turns doing that! After we had played for 45 minutes or an hour Bobby went up a curly slide and came down with his shoes off. It was a cold and damp day so I told him that if he wanted to stay at the park then he needs to put his shoes back on because it was cold. He went back up and came back down without them. I asked him if he was ready to leave because we would have to leave if he didn't get put them on. He got "the look" on his face which by now I know means "no way am I going to do what you say" and threw his shoes off the top of the slide. So, I picked up the shoes and told him that we had to leave because his shoes were off and I started walking slowly to the car. He followed way behind me.  I watched him and waited at the car and in a few minutes Bobby arrived crying saying his feet were cold (now he was minus the socks also). I asked what had he done with his socks and he said he threw them down by the playground. So I held his hand and we walked all the way back to the socks and he picked them up and we walked all the way back to the car with him crying the whole way because his feet were cold. I explained that his feet were cold because he took his shoes and socks off outside which you can't do in the winter. When he got in the car he immediately said, "I sorry Mama that I not obey you"! We hugged and I thanked him for saying that and told him that everyone makes mistakes and that he is a good boy and we left for home in good spirits.

I've learned from some things I've read that children who come from hard places (like orphanages) didn't learn cause and effect regarding their actions. Opportunities to teach them occur multiple times a day in our home! Maybe Bobby will remember now that taking your shoes and socks off outside results in very cold feet which is not pleasant...we'll see!

A few shots from December

My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on December 18! We ate out then went to my sister's home for cake. We treated my parents to a night at the Opryland Hotel and the Rockettes show. Pictures to follow.

The same weekend we went to a family get-together in Cullman, Alabama. Lots of kids of my cousins were there, even kids of my cousin's kids! It was the first time some of my uncles and cousins had seen Bobby. He joined right in, even fussing with my cousin's first grader who loves drama just like Bobby. They ended up being fast friends, of course!

Here are pictures from the Rockettes. Our family also got tickets for the same night as my parents. Lia Pendleton (Austin's girlfriend) and her family also had tickets and Spencer had tickets for her and Ben from a secret santa thing at her work.  Lia's sister, Margaret Ann is also in this picture.

This is the Cascades lobby where Mom and Dad stayed. We had to see their room. They wouldn't agree to switch with us and stay at our house for the night. Darn!

View from their balconey

Christmas morning!! Santa brought Woody and Buzz just like Bobby asked. He went over to the chimney and yelled up, "thank you, Santa"!

We woke up to a white Christmas! Thank you, God for this gift!

Cleo's doghouse always looks good in the snow. For some reason she won't sleep in it this year. We put a pad on the front porch during the summer and I think she has forgotten about her house. Who knows what's living in it now.

The snow was also in Decatur, Alabama. This was their first white Christmas since 1963! This is my parent's home.

The guys got out and had a rip-roaring snowball fight. It ended for Bobby when he came in after a snowball to the face.

We get to Montgomery to visit the Hannah's! All four of Buddy's brothers are there. Can you guess what they all got for Christmas?

 After lunch all the brothers and their Dad plus Bobby went to the flying field where Gene has flown remote control airplanes for 30 plus years. He was recently honored and surprised when this sign was unveiled at a fly-in.

Back row: Buddy, Charles, Bill, Scott
Front row: Wells, Wilson, Walker, Austin and Grayson

                                                 The cousins enjoying the new fire pit.

On our way back to Nashville we stopped off in Decatur. The snowman is still (kind of) standing but not much else of the snow is left. Bobby is filling up his water bottle.