homeschool...

This was week four of homeschooling Bobby. The first almost three weeks were going so well. I was excited and Bobby loved being at home and was eager to do school each day. Last Friday, however, he never settled down enough to do anything. I finally gave up and we went to tour a church pre-K close to our house!! That program was full. Monday we visited a home school enrichment tutorial then started back on home school on Tuesday. Again, Bobby was dysregulated and at one point I just went in my closet, shut the door and got on my knees and prayed for Jesus to PLEASE make the fruit of his Spirit flow out from me. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. It didn't take too long for Bobby to find me and immediately flip the light switch off so I got up and when I looked around he was in the closet on his knees! That day he told me probably 15 to 20 times that he hated me. Eventually he did the work he needed to do and by the afternoon was in better control of himself. Wednesday - bible study then Thursday back to homeschool. R.O.U.G.H! His defiance was off the charts. Overcome with the emotional strain of it all I found myself in tears at one point. Lots of thoughts running through my head, such as, “why did I think this was a good idea…I’m going to call the local public school and register him tomorrow…I can’t do this…what am I going to do…where can I put him in school”. I should also say that I thought we had this figured out. We went through the whole admissions process and put him in a one-day-a-week tutorial. Because of the way the school was set up (three teachers rotating through the day) and because of Bobby’s difficulty with transitions, it was not a good fit and we decided to take him out. On Wednesday, in the middle of all this, at bible study I ran into a friend who is also homeschooling and she said they LOVE the tutorial where they have their two kids. I have to admit I was happy for them but sad for us. That afternoon I contacted that school only to find out it is too late, the school was full.

So…yesterday (Thursday) afternoon I get an email from the Pre-K I had visited last Friday and they have an opening for a two day Pre-K which is what I wanted. Oddly enough, I don’t feel as excited as I thought I would. Buddy and I talk it over but it’s a hard decision because on one hand I think, if I’m doing this to help Bobby heal, then a sign that he is healing is all this emotional junk coming out the closer he and I get. Every day I learn more about him and how to understand his pain and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I decide to just pray and think it over and I tell my sister to do the same for me.

Well… today I get an email from the school where my friend has her kids. The board just convened and decided today that they will let two more children in the kindergarten class and that if I want Bobby in, I should fill out the paperwork and get started with the process.   

Wow. So now what? Is God giving me this abundance of choices as a gift to take or is He giving me this so that I can solidify my decision to be with Bobby every day? Right now I am pulled both ways.

Today was a great day with Bobby. He was up at 7:00 (early for him) regulated and calm. He stayed that way most of the day, only pitching small fits a couple of times. We bought a toy, drove through Krystal and went to a park for a picnic. He let a group of seven little boys take many turns playing with the toy he had just bought! I couldn’t believe it. Thank you, Jesus.

I am committed to this kid whole-heartedly, I’m getting in the trenches with him in spite of and because of the pain that is in him and the healing that has to happen through my relationship with him. Because the fact is that the only way a child can heal is through the parent-child relationship. I don’t take my responsibility lightly. I know from experience how fast the years fly by and the pain that is inside will not go away, it must be dealt with, the earlier the better otherwise we WILL see it again.  There are no guarantees, I know, but God has given me a deep and protective love for this scared, hurt little boy and I know what I must do in the present moment.

good website and article

I ran across this today and wanted to share. From the Attachment Disorder Support Group website: click here for the link

Attachment

When reading below, keep in mind the following statement as it is the driving force of all attachment issues:

The fear in the child is so great that the child will not be able to attach.  The child's primary systems are working to survive, thereby making attaching to someone a low priority.  Survival is the priority.  Alleviate the fear and the child will be able to attach.

An attachment-challenged child lives with unconscious fears that become the driving force behind varying degrees of negative and often illogical, irrational behaviors.  Their greatest need is to feel safe.

An attachment disorder is a mental and emotional condition occurring in the first two years of life that causes a child not to attach, to bond, or to trust his primary caretaker.

Children with attachment disorders have trouble trusting others. Trusting means to love--and loving hurts. They have been hurt too deeply. Loving must be done on their terms so that they will not be hurt again. They attempt to control everyone and everything in their world. No one gets into their world, past their barriers, without proving that they are truly trustworthy.

"Unattached children...have an uncanny ability to appear attractive, bright, loving...helpless, hopeless, lost...or promising, creative, and intelligent, as may suit their needs at the time. Therefore, strangers, helpful neighbors, even therapists, often see the parents as the problem and believe the winsome child is 'beautiful'. . ." (Foster Cline, 1979)

Adoptive parents wonder why? "I'm not the one that hurt him. I am trying to give him love."
To understand the "why", we must look at the child's life, especially the first two years.

CAUSES OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER

Any of the following factors, especially occurring to a child during their first two years of life, puts a child at high risk of developing an attachment disorder:

• Maternal drug and/or alcohol use during pregnancy
• Premature birth
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect
• Sudden separation from primary caretaker (i.e. illness or death of mother or chronic illness or hospitalization of child)
• Undiagnosed and/or painful illness (i.e. colic or chronic ear infections)
• Frequent moves or placements
• Inconsistent or inadequate daycare
• Chronic maternal depression
• Teenage mothers with poor parenting skills
• Drug addicted infant

This is not a diagnostic tool. If you think your child has an attachment disorder, contact an attachment therapist for an evaluation.

Taken from a pamphlet--"Parents for Attachment"

Understanding the causes of attachment disorder, helps us to understand why adopted and foster children would have a high propensity towards attachment difficulties. Generally, the adopted/foster child has covered many of those categories in his short life. 

 

Here we are at the beach, Kiawah Island Resort to be exact. This was last week and we had a wonderful time. All six of us together which I realize may likely be one of the last times with the ages of the kids. Fortunately all three "big" ones have jobs but were able to get the week off. We love Kiawah because it is VERY family oriented, has beautiful landscaping, miles and miles of paved bike trails and a beautiful beach (even if it isn't white and soft sand) haha. Buddy and the boys went on a guided fishing trip and caught lots of fish. Spencer and I went to Drayton Hall plantation and in to Charleston one morning.  Bobby did great and loved the beach and the pool.

"I Love You...I Love You, Too...YES!!"

Each night at bedtime Bobby now goes through a new routine. After we have read, prayed and kissed him goodnight, he yells, "Dad (or Mom), I love you, and waits for one of us to yell back, "I love you, Bobby". He usually does this two or three times, then we can hear him say to himself, "YESSS". So sweet. These seemingly little things mean so much to us because they show us glimpses of the sweetness and preciousness of Bobby. He wants to please more and more often. He now routinely turns the TV off without a word of fussing ( a miracle).

These miraculous changes are the result of prayer for help, lots and lots of reading, research, and work with wonderful adoption counselors who have helped us understand that all negative behavior comes from a place of fear and anxiety. That an angry child is really a scared child and that concentrating on building trust is paramount. I've learned that I can't parent Bobby like  I did our other children where I focused on gaining control because to be honest, I was scared of losing control. God is allowing us to see a child blossom before our eyes and it is amazing and humbling.

9 More Minutes That Could Change Your Child's Life (Yours too) Part 2

The man in this video is B. Bryan Post, LCSW, who has written several books for parents of adopted or foster children. The adoption counselor I see recommended one last week and I finished it in two days. I loved it. He and his co-author, Heather Forbes, LCSW, gave me a breath of fresh air and much insight into the reasons behind an adopted child's negative behavior. The name of the book is Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. By finding a way to move beyond a child's negative behavior to the deeper (heart) issue, our children can truly feel loved and KNOWN. Our home can be a place of peace. This is a powerful and important book.

A Call to Connect

Click the link below:
Empowered to Connect Conference will be in Nashville! 

I just received an email with the information about this conference. I attended last year and it was great. I know I sound like a broken record about the book by Karen Purvis, The Connected Child, but it has been such an asset to me in understanding the reasons behind behaviors of Bobby's. Dr. Purvis' organization is putting on this conference and Show Hope is sponsoring it here in Nashville. Please check out the info, it is well worth your time.

Adopting an "older" child (non-infant) carries much stress and rewards are often delayed. Last week I heard about a Christian family in Ohio who adopted a 12 year old girl from China, had her for 6 months and said it wasn't working and placed her in the foster care system. She has been in foster care for 7 months now and an incredible friend of my sister has agreed to add this child to her family which consists of seven adopted girls ages 7 to 15! This family has a very limited income but a huge heart for hurting children.

It is such a tragedy when something like this happens to an adopted child. Thankfully, it is not common but it is devastating to a child and family when it does happen. I think more often, families just struggle silently. As I have been honest about our adjustment struggles, I've realized that this is the norm. And of course! Why should we expect a child who has grown up with multiple caregivers, inconsistent discipline and often abuse to not have struggles? When we agree to adopt we agree to learn our child's history so that we can go beyond surface behaviors. We agree to sacrifice our own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with our child and help them heal even if it takes years, not months.

Resources are available through counselors (ask me if you need a few names), books, social workers, and websites. Most importantly, through each other. Let's agree to share our struggles and to not let shame or feelings of inadequacy intimidate us into hiding our pain. As the church heeds the call to reach out and care for orphans by adoption, so should the church provide support. Dr. Purvis has developed a workbook based on her book for use by individuals, couples or small groups. This would be an excellent resource for churches to use with families who have adopted.

encouragement

Bobby started Pre-K this past September and went two days a week all fall. In January he started going three days and I worried that I was rushing things in terms of making sure he has enough time to attach to me. The transition to three days has been a little rough and he regressed some in the classroom. So, imagine my surprise and pleasure when I opened his notebook after school on Monday and found this note from one of his teachers! When I read it to Bobby, he had the biggest smile on his face - he was very pleased with himself!

Buddy and I are on an eight week or so rotation for Children's Church and this Sunday was our week again. We both commented on how well and different Bobby behaved compared to all the previous times we've stayed with his class. He sat down at a table with the other children and colored his sheet completely before getting up, he played with the other kids and took part in conversations with the kids, he sang in the large group time and listened (mostly) to the story. I know these things seem small to most people but they are HUGE to us. It is soo encouraging to see this progress and we are so proud of him.